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Posted on mars 27, 2005 at 03:42 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

No Words

1. Indy was a BLAST. Update soon.
2. Nothing else. Who fucking cares.

I am thankful for...
Does anyone care about this list either? I bet not.

I'm hearing right now...
Like it matters.

I'm feeling Devastated.

I wish I had words. I wish I knew how to say what it is this very moment I’m feeling. I just can’t. All I can say is it is the greatest ache I’ve ever felt in my life.

Posted on mars 24, 2005 at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Life Transition

1. Good Conversation.
2. Katie bought me a Pepsi!
3. Going to sleep well tonight I bet.
4. Work wasn't all that bad.
5. Saw old managers and met new ones.

I am thankful for...
1. Amanda.
2. Duane.
3. Karin.
4. Mark.
5. God.

I'm hearing right now...
Ozzy Osbourne - Mississippi Queen

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

Dead Tired. That is two words I can use to describe how I feel right now. Dead tired literally in that I am just drained. I feel like I’ve been worked to death and yet today I really didn’t do anything but sit around in an all day meeting. That is tiring though believe it or not. That most likely made me feel more tired then had I simply worked my ass of all day in the CPC.

I’m also dead tired of crap. Being used is one of the worst feelings that you can have. I’ve had it just about enough. So many people have used me for just long enough and I’m throwing my foot down right now to put a stop to it all.

At the same time though I am trying to repair my life. Last night I said I was hopeful. I was feeling as if I could take a new attitude on life and maybe things would get better… or at least I’d feel like they had improved. Then today happened.

I realized that everything is spiraling out of control. I have a huge ticket to pay, I have to pay for outrageous school bills, I have to pay my credit cards, I have some major bills from the hospitals and doctors I have to pay and I have court costs to pay. I realized that the things I held closest to my life and thus my heart have slipped through my fingers and I didn’t do anything to stop it from happening. I realized a lot of shitty stuff today to be honest.

Then I called Elizabeth. I didn’t get a hold of her but her mom Shelly instead. She had been wondering about me and she said that she had heard that I was having trouble with things in my life. I expected to get Elizabeth on the other end and get her advice but instead I got her mom… and her advice was awesome. It was all stuff I’ve heard already and stuff I know but for some reason hearing it from her made it sink in a bit more.

Why do we live our lives trying to rush from one event to another? First, we want to be sixteen, then we want twenty-one to come, then we want to get married. We keep rushing thing to thing and then wonder where all the time went. Well it was spent being rushed. She told me to slow it down. I’m entering a transition period of my life and things are going to be mixed up. Things won’t seem right but that I need to keep my thoughts on God and surround myself with people who are going to pull me up. She said that I need to get in a good church that I enjoy and agree with, she said that I need to start repairing those things in my life that seem broken and make them right and the way I want.

Things aren’t going to be easy… and to be honest sometimes suicide seems alright. I know that is a cop-out though. I know that it avoiding the problems and just making someone else deal with them and I care about a lot of people and don’t want to hurt them… and thus will never and can never take that option.

Posted on mars 21, 2005 at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)


1. No work today.
2. Ate sisters birthday cake.
3. Relaxing.
4. Work only called once today.
5. Got ot design done.

I am thankful for...
1. Amanda.
2. Dad.
3. Mom.
4. Jessica.
5. Air.

I'm hearing right now...
Semisonic - Closing Time

I'm feeling Hopeful.

I was living a life filled with regret but now I see hope.

Posted on mars 20, 2005 at 05:09 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Another Day Off

1. Was given the day off.
2. I get to watch TiVo stuff.
3. Hooters last night.
4. Getting work... worked out.
5. New LinkedIn Stuff.

I am thankful for...
1. Duyane.
2. Larry.
3. Garrett.
4. Hooters and Panda Express.
5. Amanda.

I'm hearing right now...
Warren G - Regulate

I'm feeling Unloved.

Last night after work we went out for Hooters which was quite good because they had all you can eat hot wings for $7.99. The bad thing is I ate more then I really should have after eating Panda Express a bit before that... meaning what?!? I am quite sick today. YUCK.

Speaking of work things seem to be going alright here as of late. A few run-ins but other then that things seem alright. I have a lot of scheduled hours next week which is pretty cool because I do need the money and since Amanda is grounded I don't have a lot to do anyways.

Work next week will be interesting because I'm being left by myself and I've been given more hours then I've ever had at Staples. It oughtta be really interesting. I'm excited about the whole thing though.

That is all for now. More later... maybe. *Shruggs*

Posted on mars 17, 2005 at 01:32 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (2)

How I Feel

The song that best describes how I feel right now is 'Regret' by Blaze.

I still walk and I still breathe,
I'm not the man that I could be.
There was a hole here in my chest,
Now it's filled up with these regrets.

Is the ending written down
Before we even read the play?
And is the ending hidden there
Until we turn the final page?

If I'd learned my lesson sooner,
If I'd sorted out my head
Then I would still be with you,
And I would not have one regret...
I would not have one regret...

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

What kind of sad yesterdays
Will all of our tomorrows bring?
Will they be the yesterdays
We won't regret remembering?

If I'd learned my lesson sooner,
If I'd sorted out my head
Then I would still be with you,
And I would not have one regret...
I would not have one regret...

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....


I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

Posted on mars 15, 2005 at 08:54 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (2)

The Torture

1. Got the day off.
2. Feeling relaxed.
3. Had Taco Bell.
4. Getting work... worked out.
5. New LinkedIn Stuff.

I am thankful for...
1. Kyle.
2. Clarissa.
3. Jason.
4. Amanda.
5. Dad.

I'm hearing right now...
Goo Goo Dolls - Give a Little Bit

I'm feeling Unloved.

Today was fairly uneventful as most days here as of late have been. Really the days have been eventful but they've been filled with events that I'd rather not speak of and events that I wish never happened.

I've never had so many regrets as I do right now at this stage in my life. Almost everything I can think of as of late has a regret that goes right along with it. I know that everything happens for a reason and that many times I won't understand these reasons but seriously I'm just about over all of these feelings that I've been having as of late.

I just want these feelings to go away but they won't. They keep coming back. Everything keeps repeating. I want the pain to end. It won't... not right away though. I'll just keep suffering... I hope soon enough the suffering can end though I don't believe it will. I believe I'm meant to suffer for everything I've done... for all of the people I've hurt. I want to fix those things... I want to take back the things I did to hurt those people and maybe then these torture and this hell will end.

Posted on mars 15, 2005 at 07:41 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

The ER

1. Getting Help.
2. Slept in today.
3. Feeling slightly relaxed.
4. Had lunch.
5. I'm still alive.

I am thankful for...
1. Steve.
2. Jackie.
3. Dad.
4. Amanda.
5. Dr. Gaff

I'm hearing right now...
John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That

I'm feeling Unloved.

Last night I was taken to the emergency room at a local hospital for treatment because I had become a threat to myself. I was released in the morning today and will soon be in contact with a hospital better suited to treating me.

Where I will be going I'm not quite sure and the uncertainty causes a fear deep inside me that I can not begin to explain. Life has been rough lately and I've been unable to handle and cope with all of the problems that have been thrown at me.

To my friends I thank you for your support, love and care. You've done all that you can do and now it is time for me to chug along with my life and determine where it is I will be going next.

I have so much going on right now and so many emotions that are swirling around. No one can truly understand everything because I've never told anyone everything all that is happening. Not even the girl I love more then anyone else. She just won't understand... or she will but I can't tell her because I can't hurt her in the process.

I'm a selfish person. I only care about myself. I'll hurt others to get where I want to go. I'm an ugly person and I do things that are totally wrong by all measures.

I'm a person who is crying out for help and finally starting to get it. I'm a person with a broken heart.

Posted on mars 14, 2005 at 12:16 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)

Better Yet?... Nope

1. Slept in.
2. Relaxed.
3. Talked on the phone.
4. Ate Subway.
5. Watching the Snow.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Dad.
3. Maggie.
4. Amanda.
5. Jessica..

I'm hearing right now...
Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm feeling Destroyed.

I was asked do I feel today the same way I felt yesterday? Do I still want to vanish?

The answer is yes.

Hell I didn’t go to work today… didn’t even call off… just didn’t go. *Shruggs*

Posted on mars 12, 2005 at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

My Pyramid

1. Good Venting Post Right Here.
2. Car Situation Fix on the way.
3. Relaxing a bit now.
4. Ate pancakes.
5. Dad is home.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Amanda.
3. James.
4. The Lappy.
5. The Internet.

I'm hearing right now...
Blake Shelton - Some Beach

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

It is snowing again. For some reason I find this to be amusing for once. Normally I don’t want it to snow but today knowing that it means I am going to be stranded at home is sort of comforting.

I just don’t want to leave my house anymore. I don’t want to go out and do stuff, I almost don’t feel like hanging out with anyone anymore, hell I’m almost to the point where work doesn’t even sound appealing anymore.

A normal life. That is what I am asking for. I want to hole up for a week though first in my room and not do anything, not get out of bed, not see anyone, not talk to anyone, not do anything. Just lie in bed. No lights, nothing. Just darkness. A week to just think with myself and sleep.

Then lead a normal life. Get a regular job like everyone else, stop sitting on the computer so much because it really isn’t going to lead to anything all that great in the end, get a factory job, get married to someone who doesn’t love me if married at all and work the rest of my life until I die.

I am always so unhappy with things just as they are. I always to strive for more and sometimes we just can’t do it. Sometimes we don’t have the strength. I don’t have the strength.

I remember my therapist talking to me about Maslow’s Pyramid once and so I decided to do some research on it being the nerd that I am. I’ll get into the nitty-gritty in another post but for now the short of it is that I am climbing this pyramid and many people will always be climbing the pyramid and few will ever reach the top. Most of us keep setting new goals on ours to work for… I set my goals so high that my pyramid is almost impossible to climb at this point. One of the levels people have spoken of that is above self actualization is transcendence which is the part of the pyramid where you want to help others realize their potential and make it to the point of self actualization.

What does that have to do with me?

Well most people get to a certain point and while they have many more goals they simply stop climbing… or they do so at a much slower rate. I don’t have that point… at least I don’t foresee it yet and I haven’t hit it yet… which is good seeing as how I’m not all that old but I want more for myself… or at least I did.

I’ve just realized that I don’t want to climb the pyramid anymore. At least not today I don’t. Sure something might have blocked my path and the best thing to do would be to simply keep chugging along and push it aside and keep climbing but I have no motivation. No reason. I feel like the climb isn’t worth everything I thought it would be.

I’ve done a lot of someone of my age. More then a lot of people twice my age even so what is wrong with me just giving up right now and living my life without a whole lot of advancement?

Right now I’ve come to a stop on the third level of the pyramid. I thought for a time that I would be able to keep climbing and pass that point soon but I couldn’t. So I stepped down a level back to level two where instead of belonging and a sense of love and affection I’ve come to the point of needing safety again. I need help to feel safe. I’m still stuck between the two levels though because some of my wants are that of love and affection, that sense of belonging and that community so bad.

I don’t want to fight for it anymore though. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me but at the same time I just want to get over that part of the pyramid or rather just lie down on the part I’m at now and wait for that helping hand to lift me up and help me over it.

Where is that hand?

Posted on mars 11, 2005 at 05:06 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

End It Now

1. No work today.
2. Ate breakfast for lunch... or dinner or whatever.
3. Insurance company taking care of car situation.
4. Slept decently last night.
5. The Internet Works.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Amanda.
3. James.
4. Ben.
5. The Lappy.

I'm hearing right now...
Ozzy Osbourne - Perry Mason

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

God... please just end my life today. -Raymond

I can be f-ing depressed for a while if I want. We all have a lapse... mine is just really bad.

Posted on mars 11, 2005 at 04:29 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)


1. Ate breakfast.
2. Found a positive in breakfast... when it sucked.
3. I got up early.
4. Things have been quiet.
5. Working.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. James.
3. Amanda.
4. Breakfast.
5. The Internet.

I'm hearing right now...
Bruce Dickinson - Man of Sorrows

I'm feeling Unloved.

Right now while I’m especially negative I wish I could take my life as it stands and just vanish. Start a new life, a new name, new career, new everything. I want a do-over. A re-do whatever you might call it. I want to push a button and start anew.

Posted on mars 10, 2005 at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (2)

Negative 4 a While

1. Ummm.
2. Ehhhhh.
3. Hmmmmm.
4. Brooke came back?.
5. Work??.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Brooke.
3. James.
4. Amanda.
5. Duyane.

I'm hearing right now...
Iron Maiden - The Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I'm feeling Unloved.

I’ve been away for sometime working on various things for my real job plus living a crappy life. Yeah so I’m negative again. Am I going to try and be positive?

Most likely no.

That is all for now.

Posted on mars 9, 2005 at 09:05 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

The X Quiz

(X) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
(X) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(X) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(X) Had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
(X) been in love
(x) been close to love
(X) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
( ) flashed someone (just online... right Grims? ;-)
(X) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches
(X) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
( ) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
(X) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(X) stolen something from your job
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(X) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(X) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
(X) tried killing yourself
(X) fired a gun
(X) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

Posted on mars 3, 2005 at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)

My Love Number

Your Love Number is

Of all the numbers, you are the most caring and empathetic lover. Unselfish and humble, you find it easy to forgive your sweetie's mistakes. At times, your need to please can be come a bit too needy. As long as you remain somewhat independent, your relationships are perfectly balanced.

Posted on mars 2, 2005 at 12:47 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Frantic Post

1. Pretty good weekend.
2. Took a day off from work.
3. Magazine nearly done.
4. Got much done at work today.
5. Spaghetti for dinner tonight.

I am thankful for...
1. The Internet.
2. This laptop.
3. Bottled Water.
4. JOLT! Gum.
5. Today.

I'm hearing right now...
Styx - Come Sail Away

I'm feeling Frantic.

Sorry for not posting much here. I’ve been terribly busy with blogging! magazine and what not. I’ve got a few other things up my sleeve that I want to tell you all about in the next few days.

Onwards with the personal life.

Things have been on the up and down here as of late. Mostly up though to be honest. Which is a good change from six months ago when everything was on the downward slope. I’ve been busy which keeps my mind off anything that might be bad and I’ve been working harder then normal and fielding job offers from two places all the while working my main job and working on the magazine and other various projects. So I’ve been quite busy as one can imagine.

More to come tomorrow morning once things are rolling.

Posted on février 28, 2005 at 07:54 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)


Today I am starting to realize that while I was at home recoping from being sick and missing FIVE WEEKS of work that bills suck. They suck a lot. A whole lot. Not working for five weeks means not making money. Not making money means you don’t pay the bills. Not paying the bills = bad.

So what do I do? I’m behind. I don’t really have the money to pay them all at the moment. I ask for your help. I hate panhandling and I especially hate it of the digital type… so here is what I am asking.

Give me four dollars via PayPal using the link here in this entry on the sidebar and I’ll give you thirty minutes of my time. For thirty minutes I’ll do what you ask of me. Need a website design? Need some coding help? Need someone to just talk with? You name it… you’ve got it.

A few restrictions. I can’t really leave the area. I can’t afford it so please don’t ask. So try to make it something we can take care of here online, or via the telephone. If you live in my area then maybe will talk about it but seriously I just can afford to be out and about all that much right now.

Nothing illegal. So don’t ask.

Need consulting? Need ideas. You buy it here.

Fill out the form and hit submit. Simple enough. Follow my progress on the sidebar.

UPDATE: You aren't just paying to talk with me. I'll help you execute these ideas as well. Maybe I'll type that report for you... maybe I'll design that site, whatever it is. You can buy my time to help you.

Once you've sent the money I will email you back at your PayPal address to get in touch.

Posted on février 26, 2005 at 09:55 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)

New Weekend

1. Had fun last night.
2. Saw Shayler.
3. Ate Cinammon Sticks!
4. Work went well.
5. I'm still alive.

I am thankful for...
1. My Love.
2. Shayler.
3. Kristin.
4. Megan.
5. Air!!!

I'm hearing right now...
Kenny Chesney - She's Got It All

I'm feeling Whatever.

blogging! magazine is chugging along quite nicely right now. If you haven’t read about it then smack yourself in the face because I am trying my damn hardest to get you to read about it and maybe take me up on the free trial issue offer. I think I will sweeten the deal a bit though. Read about blogging! magazine then come here and be on of the first five people to comment that you are taking me up on the offer and then e-mail with your name, e-mail address, desired username, and desired password and I will send you six months of the magazine at no cost. Hurry. Five people only.

Now onward with the tales of my life.
Where do I start? What do I say? I’m totally confused and unsure anymore. Things by definition have been great here the past few weeks. Things seem to be on the up and up… for the most part. I’ve got some problems I’m trying to deal with and I don’t seem to be getting help with them but rather just adversity. My saying that will create tension even and that isn’t my goal. I’m just asking for help.

Deep down I’m hurting sometimes. I feel like the best thing in my life might slip away from me if I don’t get better at coping with the stuff in my life. I’ve been doing my best to just deal with stuff and I know I am doing a much better job then six months ago. I’m still not doing all that great but recovery doesn’t just happen overnight.

I feel I’m not interesting anymore, I feel I don’t keep attention, I feel that I am not always good enough. I can’t let those feelings get in the way. I know that I do keep attention from most people, I know that I am interesting to most people and I know that I am good enough just the way I am for most people. I know my feelings are completely based on really nothing… I know that this isn’t how reality is and that I don’t need to be so negative. So I’m trying to not be. I also know however that I need that support… I need that help that she can provide me right now. I need it really bad. I know that she needs mine. I know she knows that I will give her all my support. I’ll give her everything and anything she needs until I can’t give anymore.

On the happy side of things… work has been pretty good here recently. I have been trying to keep busy and things seem pretty good. I miss a lot of my friends from Best Buy and I hope that I will be seeing them again soon.

Posted on février 26, 2005 at 07:50 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Second Best

1. Work has been good.
2. Went shopping today.
3. Saw my friends.
4. Ate well.
5. Accomplished much.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Bryan.
4. Sleep.
5. My Father.

I'm hearing right now...
Good Charlotte - Girls and Boys

I'm feeling Confused.

Second Best. Sometimes that is how we feel. Second Best… second place may seem all well and dandy but it is the first loser in the race.

Second Best. Indicating that you aren’t quite up to par to that which is first best.

Posted on février 24, 2005 at 05:12 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)


1. An AWESOME weekend.
2. Work was GREAT.
3. Today was pretty good overall.
4. Discovered a new friend.
5. Feeling great.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Staples.
4. Chad.
5. My Father.

I'm hearing right now...
REO Speedwagon - Keep on Loving You

I'm feeling Happy.

The weekend ended up being a great one that ended up being very revealing and I think that events this weekend have changed my life and I will feel them for many years to come. Just when I thought that the weekend brought about many changes I went back to work today for the first time in ages and found that life was changed even further with more revelations.

This weekend was spent having fun with friends, finding myself, working, and picking new directions. I think overall it was a weekend with time well spent. This week the direction I am looking forward to taking is the one this weekend took, more exploration, more having fun and more of doing the things I enjoy.

Amanda told me that I am running a mini-marathon and that right now I’m on mile three. I think that if things keep going as they did just this weekend and today that I will find myself running this race and quite a quick pace. I’ve got other journeys I’m working on in my life and I’ve decided that the best way to ensure success is to track your progress. That is why I am adding a few new boxes to the sidebar that will help me track where I am in my marathons and mini-marathons. Amanda is truly wise beyond her years and has helped me through many things.

I want to tell everyone that is close to my life that I appreciate you. That I appreciate the things you bring in to your relationship with me and I want to make sure I eventually acknowledge all of you on here.

I hate to run already but the time is now 2:15am and I have to be up at 6am to make it to work on time. Catch you on the flipside.

Posted on février 22, 2005 at 02:16 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Weekend Update [Not SNL]

1. A good weekend thus far.
2. Start work again tomorrow.
3. Watched 'Dawn of the Dead' last night.
4. blogging! magazine still doing well.
5. Slept well.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Megan.
4. Video Rentals.
5. Friends.

I'm hearing right now...
Akon - Lonely
Loverboy - Working for the Weekend

I'm feeling Abused.

I wake up today asking myself where did the weekend go? It seems like Friday was just yesterday… but it wasn’t…. Saturday was yesterday.

The weekend has been fun that is one thing for sure. All weekend thus far. Will today prove to be as fun as the rest of the weekend? For this I am unsure but I personally believe it will be quite fun.

Overall my mood this weekend has been a good one and things are going well on most fronts in my life. blogging! magazine is doing well, SpywareWatch is doing well and a few of the new secret projects that I haven’t even began to mention on here seem to be starting off well. Things on the home front are decent with little arguing today and things on the other front seem alright for the moment.

I had Subway today for lunch. I’ve been having it a lot lately. Since they started toasting the subs I find I love it even more then before. The Chicken Bacon Ranch sub is pure genius and one of my favorite sub offerings.

Sadly I hate to run already but the weekend has been a busy one and I’ve got a list of things to do.

Posted on février 20, 2005 at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Living with Depression

1. blogging! magazine response good.
2. Had FUN Last night.
3. Saw Hide and Seek.
4. Got another project to launch SOON.
5. Slept today.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Rae.
4. John.
5. "Dr. Pepper"

I'm hearing right now...
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Green Day - Basket Case

I'm feeling Happy.

I mentioned that I do this blog because I am trying to recover from depression. That of course is an indication that I am depressed. Being a person with depression isn’t as always as one would think and it takes a whole different kind of person to deal with someone who is depressed. Taking care of someone like myself mustn’t be easy as I like to see the negative and it is harder then you can imagine to see the positive of a situation. It seems easy to say just do it but when you are depressed you can’t sometimes. If you are lucky you can try and sometimes if you are manic you can be on top of the world and others feel like everything is going wrong.

Sometimes it is hard for people to tell what stage I am in. Others they’ve only seen me when I’m manic happy instead of manic depressed. Regardless both sides exist and both extremes are VERY extreme with rare occasions of control where I am in the center. Either I’m really happy or I’m really sad.

I think that some of my closest friends in specific one have had a hard time dealing with this. I can understand that. It isn’t easy dealing with someone with this condition such as myself. As a matter of fact it can be quite hard. Sometimes I want to just tell her I’m sorry I am the way I am. I hate myself for it. I hate that I can’t change myself as easily as she believes. I hate that I hurt her and hurt myself.

I am getting better. I am getting more positive. I think most of my readers will agree with that. Since I started this thing ages ago I’ve seen improvement and so have many people close to me in my life. Starting today I am going to do better though. Starting today I am going to always look at the positive of a situation no matter how hard.

I know sometimes I will have a lapse. I know that is a negative self-fulfilling prophecy but I am trying to not lie to myself… however I expect them to be short and I expect to get better faster.

I am going to need your help. I am going to need help especially and I hope she reads this and understands that.

Posted on février 19, 2005 at 01:10 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)

Finally Revealed

2. Site is LIVE.
3. Success #4.
4. More to come though.
5. Getting food soon.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. The Interweb.
4. Support.
5. Music.

I'm hearing right now...
Keith Urban - You'Re My Better Half

I'm feeling Excited.

This entry is short but sweet..... blogging! magazine is here.

Posted on février 18, 2005 at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Spyware Watch Goes Live

1. Spyware Watch IS LIVE..
2. Another site has gone live.
3. Secret Project just about ready.
4. First announcement done.
5. The Big Announcement is coming soon.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Jim Turner.
4. Subway.
5. The Interweb.

I'm hearing right now...
Skype Call

I'm feeling Loved.

While this isn’t the BIG SECRET PROJECT that I’ve been talking about for the past several days this is a project that I’ve been working on in secrecy and I’m quite proud to quickly launch here on my blog today.

The site is called and it has one primary goal. To inform users of Spyware news and information. The tagline for this site reads ‘Watching Those Whom Watch You’.

I sincerely hope that you will enjoy this site and find the information on it most useful.

Posted on février 17, 2005 at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (3)

Gmail Going Live Soon?

1. Gmail getting ready to go.
2. Project Success #3.
3. Got new site running.
4. Have two announcements to make soon.
5. Getting Subway shortly.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. The Interweb.
4. Girl Scout Cookies.
5. Air.

I'm hearing right now...
Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way

I'm feeling Loved.

I got an e-mail at today from Google about the latest happenings with Gmail. They are finally starting to send accounts to the people who requested an update on Gmail many moons ago. (I signed up for an update on April 1st 2004). Nearly one year later it seems the service is getting closer and closer to launch. It also appears that I will win my wager and not lose 50 bucks.

Hi there,

Thanks for signing up to be updated on the latest Gmail happenings. We hope it's been worth the wait, because we're excited to finally offer you an invitation to open a free Gmail account! Just click on this link to create your new account:

[Link Removed... If you want Gmail click here for info about my UNLIMITED INVITES]

Since last April, we've been working hard to create the best email service possible. It already comes with 1,000 megabytes of free storage, powerful Google search technology to find any message you want instantly, and a new way of organizing email that saves you time and helps you make sense of all the information in your inbox.

And here are just some of the things that we've added in the last few months:

- Free POP access: Take your messages with you. Download them, read them offline, access them using Outlook, your Blackberry or any other device that supports POP

- Gmail Notifier: Get new mail notifications and see the messages and their senders without having to open a browser

- Better contacts management: Import your contacts from Yahoo! Mail, Hotmail, Outlook, and others to Gmail in just a few clicks. Add phone numbers, notes and more. Even use search to keep better track of it all.

We also wanted to thank you. For showing us your support and for being so patient. And to those who have already signed up for Gmail, thank you for giving it a try and for helping us make it better. Our users are what have made this product great. So whether you're just signing up for your account or you've been with us since the beginning, keep letting us know how we can build you the best email service around.

That's it for now. We hope you like Gmail and will share it with your friends. We've got lots of cool new stuff planned and we can't wait for you to see our work in your Gmail accounts! Stay tuned...

The Gmail Team

Posted on février 17, 2005 at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

My Gmail Wager

2. Project Success #2
3. Cell phone bill reduced.
4. Billing situation worked out.
5. Ate well today.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Success #2.
4. Jim Turner.
5. My laptop.

I'm hearing right now...
Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm feeling Happy.

If you haven’t been trapped underneath a rock for the past several months then you most likely know about the Google email service Gmail. Instead of rambling on here about how great and awesome Gmail is or even trying to pawn off my unlimited invites I am simply going to talk about Gmail as an invite only service and why it makes sense.

Gmail since the day it has become available to those outside of the Google Universe has been an invite only service. At first getting an invite was quite a difficult task and many people even went as far as selling invites on Google and making quite a profit from it. Google created quite a bit of hype by making Gmail invite only at first. The hype made the service coveted and people scoured the Interweb for invites.

Fast forward nearly a year and Gmail is still in BETA and still invite only. People have speculated many, many, times that Gmail is going to go live each time a lot of invites are released to users but recently they released 50 invites to all users yet the service is still in beta and little points to the fact it will be changing from that anytime soon.

It is my personal belief that Google has the intention to keep the service invite only as I’ve been given these unlimited invites and it really only makes sense for the service to remain invite only to keep out the trashy spammers and the like.

Google hasn’t been all that frugal with invites as of late. Does that mean they are going to launch the service in the next two weeks? Not likely.

Keeping the service invite only and providing enough invites for everyone to give out and get everyone in on the service who wants to be is the best thing Google can do. The latest message from the Gmail team before sending a Gmail invite reads:

We hope you've liked using Gmail. We've definitely been working hard to make it better. Meanwhile, the Gmail family has been growing largely through invitations--sent by users who want to share Gmail with the people they care about. We hope you'll want to as well. Just fill in this form below and we'll send your friends and family invitations to open their own shiny Gmail accounts.

As you can see Google does like those invites. By doing this they are making sure the system isn’t be filled up with crappy spammers and those who would abuse the service.

I’m willing to put this wager out. I will bet $50 plus that Gmail remains invite only after launch. If I’m wrong I’ll shell out 50 big ones to one of my lucky blog visitors. To get entered simply comment on this entry.

Posted on février 16, 2005 at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Commentaires (10)

What Age Do You Act?

You Are 20 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Posted on février 15, 2005 at 09:46 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (2)

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Are A Romantic
You are more romantic than 90% of the population.
You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to. Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you. Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted. Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Posted on février 15, 2005 at 09:38 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)

Feeling Whatever

1. The secret project will be announced soon.
2. Finally getting somethings lined up.
3. Ate several meals today.
4. New design underway.
5. Feeling slightly better.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. Eating finally.
4. Dropping some pounds.
5. My friends.

I'm hearing right now...
Queensryche - I Don't Believe In Love

I'm feeling Whatever.

Quite simply this place is my place. This is my place to help me overcome my depression. Sometimes that means posting about my depression or maybe even those who cause my depression.

Tonight we are taking a look at my parents.

They’ve struggled and tried to make me the son they wanted. For a while I struggled to be the son they wanted but now I’m starting to be my own person and it causes a lot of stress for them to accept that.

Right now my parents are going through some rough times. Our whole family is. Money is tight, my parents can barely make the bills and they fight a lot because of the whole ordeal. Mom doesn’t pay a bill and dad gets upset. The creditors start calling and mom doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Dad gets upset. Mom and dad fight.

Eventually they stop fighting and start taking it out on their kids. A daughter who loves her dad gets yelled at. A son who loves his mother gets yelled at. The parents begin to stop yelling at each other and begin to just yell at their kids.

A mom tells her son about all the problems she is having with her husband even though she knows her son has many problems to deal with himself.

A father tells his son that he isn’t good for anything and that his stuff on the computer won’t ever amount to anything.

A son weeps secretly inside knowing they are right.

Posted on février 15, 2005 at 08:59 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (0)

Unlimited Gmail Invites

1. Back on BlogExplosion.
2. Been working on hard on secret project.
3. Ate Ham Sandwich.
4. Design drawn out sort of.
5. Laid back today a bit.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. My family.
4. High Speed Internet.
5. My laptop.

I'm hearing right now...
Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine

I'm feeling Happy.

Recently Google granted all Gmail users 50 invites to give away. My account however is special for some reason. At first it had shown I had 50 invites and I gave away maybe one or two. The very next day I logged in it said I had 00 left. I was confused. I tried sending an invite and it worked.

At this point I've donated or sent nearly 150 invites to various sites and yet they keep flowing. It would appear as if the God's have granted me unlimited Gmail invites. So if you have been really wanting Gmail for sometime I am giving you a chance to get it... here is how and it won't cost you a dime.

Simply post a comment on this entry saying you are taking advantage of this offer. Then blast an e-mail to and I will send you an invite ASAP. Many times within a few minutes.

This offer is good until my account finally does run out or Google realizes this is an error and sends in the correction forces. Whichever comes first. Until then HAVE FUN!

Posted on février 15, 2005 at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (15)


1. Blog is back online.
2. New project making quite a rumble.
3. Feeling a bit better.
4. New design coming soon.
5. Had fun over weekend.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. My love.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. New found friends.

I'm hearing right now...
The Cars - Shake It Up

I'm feeling Happy.

Things have been very quiet here on the home front for quite some time and I’ve finally had sometime to put down in words what it is I’ve been thinking for the past several months and what it is I am going to do next with my life.

So where did my blog go? Well after a couple of assholes decided to get on here and post many harassing comments I decided to pull things down for just a while to let them cool off. Then I took action with the local high school where these immature brats are posting said items to my blog to have my site added to the banned sites list so they can’t visit from school.

That is right… from school. Immaturity breeds at school apparently. Apparently teaching kids during the day how to use time in “study hall” properly doesn’t happen and you can use that period of the day to do whatever you want. Including getting online and posting harassing messages to an adult’s blog.

Now you’d think that an adult wouldn’t be bothered by such petty things and that would be correct… remember however I am barely an adult to be honest and while I think it is the most petty and ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life it is interrupting the ability of my readers to read and enjoy my journal.

So what is happening exactly?

I live in a small town. A town where everyone thinks that knowing each others business is totally necessary to living life and I’ve even seen some of these gossips make a living out of knowing stuff (read the Albion New Era’s Merriam News). What does this mean?

If you even try to keep a secret or do something that the conservative control of this town won’t approve of you can forget living a peaceful life and say hello to a bunch of people who know nothing breathing down your neck and trying to make your life in general a living hell.

Rumors are nasty and sometimes people start rumors out of spite because they don’t know an entire situation or because a friend starts one they feel it necessary to contribute as well. In a small town like Albion, Indiana the people live and thrive on rumors.

If people want to speculate on whom I date then more power to them. Frankly who I am dating at any given moment is my own business. It isn’t the business of anyone else and unless they have proof of something going on that is illegal they can speculate all they want… even though it isn’t their damn business.

For some reason the people of my town Albion find it necessary to talk amongst each other about whom I am dating (even if I am not dating the person they think I am) and then spread nasty rumors about me. Rumors that could potentially hurt my career options in the future and wreck my personal reputation.

You’d think it was something that only happened in high school but it isn’t sadly. I’ve heard grown adults and even people I had grown to respect spreading these rumors about myself and other individuals. All I can say is that I’m greatly disappointed in these individuals and I’ve lost a great deal of respect for them.

The fact that I’ve had to change the entire scope of my personal online space because of these individuals is sad. The fact I’ve changed my telephone number because of these individuals is sad. I’ve had to change so much in my life because of these people.

For the longest time things seemed so great. I felt like I was finally getting everything I deserved but lately it feels like it is all crashing down. I’ve been quite ill, I’ve lost something in my life that meant more to me then anything else, I haven’t been able to attend church because of my sickness, I am falling behind on my bills and I can never leave the house because of being sick.

Being able to post about these trials and tribulations is key to my success in life. I’ve created this space in an effort to help me maintain my life, become more organized, set goals for myself, vent my feelings and help myself improve.

Over the weekend I received a most excellent e-mail that helped me feel inspired to begin posting on this journal again. I receive a newsletter called “Almost a Newsletter” by Boogie Jack. I’ve been receiving the newsletter for quite some time now and it always has bits of information or similar features that enlighten and make you think. This issue it had a most excellent bit about keeping a journal. I thought it was interesting enough so here is the feature.

Seven Great Reasons to Keep a Journal

I ran across an old cassette tape the other night marked only as D. I knew what D was immediately, it was a recording of songs I wrote years ago. I couldn't resist. I popped it into the cassette deck and sat back and listened to me at half my current age playing guitar and singing. Since all the songs were my original lyrics, it was a glimpse into who I was about 25 years ago.

We spend so much time looking forward we often neglect to look back to see where we've been. It's even more rare that we look back with the intent to learn from the past. Our usual purpose for visiting our past is to relive pleasant memories. I had that pleasure and more, courtesy of this forgotten tape of evidence.

Looking back without evidence, however, often gives us an inaccurate view of who we were. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "the older I get, the better I used to be." Of course, he means that as he gets older, he tends to see the past as he wants to remember it, rather than as it really was. Other personality types may remember things through different distortions.

Figuring out life isn't easy. Sometimes what we want to know or need to learn can take months or even years to play out before we can see enough of the picture to draw conclusions. I don't know about you, but I have a hard enough time remembering last week, let alone last year. Without some kind of record of the past, learning from it becomes more difficult. We tend to filter our memories through our current thought patternings and biases and forget important details that would give us proper perspective.

As our distortions of reality grow our memory base begins to corrupt, and we may unwittingly create false memories. Most of the time these false memories are harmless, but sometimes they are harmful to us or to others.

Professionals agree, the only way to distinguish between false memories and true memories is by external corroboration. Keeping a personal journal is not only a great way to keep track of important events in our lives, but it helps us in many other other ways, which brings us to the point of this article.

Seven Great Reasons to Keep a Journal

   1. It's an exercise in self-empowerment, it helps you become a better you. Taking pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard if you keep a journal on your computer, helps us focus. Fuzzy notions of someday, confusing thoughts, conflicting imagery and gray areas in life are resolved by faithfully keeping a journal. Goals become better defined and worked toward more diligently and intelligently. Unhelpful behavior patterns are identified and remedied as well. Our course becomes more clear.

   2. It's a great stress-reliever. Writing down your thoughts about stressful situations is a proactive approach that can help relieve the stress and even help help solve the problems causing the stress. Keeping things bottled up inside instead of finding healthy ways to vent can lead to all sorts of mental, emotional, and physical problems.

   3. A journal will increase your sex appeal! I'm not kidding. Men, ask any woman what they find sexy and nearly all will rate intelligence at or near the top of the list. Keeping a journal helps you to get to know yourself more fully, which is a form of wisdom and intelligence. Knowing yourself also helps you to express yourself with a more sincere and geniune confidence (rather than with typical male bravado and bluster). Genuine confidence also increases your sex appeal. Ladies, men are attracted to intelligence too, but many won't regard it as important as you do.

   4. A journal will add depth and meaning to your life. As you mine your thoughts and feelings you'll make more self-discoveries (those wonderful a-ha! moments), you'll realize many more layers of reality and see how they interweave, and you'll affirm and confirm your values and live in closer harmony with them. Later in life, you'll remember things you would have forgotten. You be able to see how much you've grown as a person. You'll find unexpected value in your own words, just as I did my old songs.

   5. A journal can help you quiet the din of daily life so you can tap into more intelligent thought streams than we live with during the rush of an ordinary day. It opens doors to thought and wisdom we don't know are available to us until we start frequenting our quiet, pensive inner nature. Great insights don't often visit a mind already drowning in piffle. The quiet time journaling provides allows us to slow down and enter the deeper thought realms. You see, a too-busy mind is like an unassembled jigsaw puzzle, its full of pieces but doesn't see the bigger picture. Quieting the mind helps to put the puzzle together.

   6. A journal helps you to be more creative. Many times I've been asked where I get my ideas from, and much of the time they come from my digital journal. If you contemplate your journal entries, it can lead to new ideas and discoveries that were not a part of your original thinking, but can prove to be even more important. Mental apathy leads to the mind's stagnation, but mental activity leads to idea proliferation!

   7. It's a learning tool unlike any other. Besides being your own teacher, it's fun once you get into the habit of chronicling your life. You will see yourself in new ways and realize there's more to you than you ever knew before. A journal is making time for yourself. It gives you an opportunity express yourself without fear of criticism or rejection. Remember, there are no rules, it's your journal. You can write as much or little as you like each day. My shortest entry is only four words, but they pack a punch!

There are many other things that could be added to the benefit list of keeping a journal, but I have to draw line somewhere. If not, I'd wager a person could write an entire book (or journal) about the benefits of keeping a journal.

If you don't think you'd have anything to say to yourself in a journal, let me assure you that you are wrong. Even if you can't start off your journal today with nothing more than whining, that's a start. You'll soon tire of that and find more important things to say to yourself if you stick with it.

Here's an grand idea, keep a second journal for someone else! Why? Imagine this: You just found out you and your spouse are having your first baby. Your mom and/or dad come over and give you a couple books. The books are journals of their thoughts about you and the events in your life from the day you were born until the day you told them they were going to be grandparents. You go over them together - laughing, crying, sharing and marveling at how sacred and precious life has been together. You'd not only be receiving one of the most remarkable gifts you'll ever receive, but you will learn how to be a new parent from them as well. Your bond of family unity will grow even stronger.

You could keep one for your siblings, parents, children, spouse, best friend, or whoever else is important enough to you to give them a few minutes a day. Men, suppose your wife lost a breast to breast cancer. Did you know this can leave a woman fearful that you will no longer find her attractive and afraid you may leave her? Imagine, on such a traumatic occasion, handing your wife a journal of how important she has been to you over the years and telling her, "This is the woman I know and love...nothing will change that." I guarantee that is one of the most inspirational things you could ever do for her. Instead of fighting cancer while worrying about losing you, her will to live will skyrocket and her love for you will glow brighter than ever.

A journal is not an exercise in vanity as some have claimed. A journal is thoughtful way to experience a higher quality of life. I hope I've convinced you of that, so now let me ask you a question...

If you believe you could improve the quality of your life simply by keeping a journal, why wouldn't you get started today?

Posted on février 15, 2005 at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Commentaires (1)