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Life Transition

1. Good Conversation.
2. Katie bought me a Pepsi!
3. Going to sleep well tonight I bet.
4. Work wasn't all that bad.
5. Saw old managers and met new ones.

I am thankful for...
1. Amanda.
2. Duane.
3. Karin.
4. Mark.
5. God.

I'm hearing right now...
Ozzy Osbourne - Mississippi Queen

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

Dead Tired. That is two words I can use to describe how I feel right now. Dead tired literally in that I am just drained. I feel like I’ve been worked to death and yet today I really didn’t do anything but sit around in an all day meeting. That is tiring though believe it or not. That most likely made me feel more tired then had I simply worked my ass of all day in the CPC.

I’m also dead tired of crap. Being used is one of the worst feelings that you can have. I’ve had it just about enough. So many people have used me for just long enough and I’m throwing my foot down right now to put a stop to it all.

At the same time though I am trying to repair my life. Last night I said I was hopeful. I was feeling as if I could take a new attitude on life and maybe things would get better… or at least I’d feel like they had improved. Then today happened.

I realized that everything is spiraling out of control. I have a huge ticket to pay, I have to pay for outrageous school bills, I have to pay my credit cards, I have some major bills from the hospitals and doctors I have to pay and I have court costs to pay. I realized that the things I held closest to my life and thus my heart have slipped through my fingers and I didn’t do anything to stop it from happening. I realized a lot of shitty stuff today to be honest.

Then I called Elizabeth. I didn’t get a hold of her but her mom Shelly instead. She had been wondering about me and she said that she had heard that I was having trouble with things in my life. I expected to get Elizabeth on the other end and get her advice but instead I got her mom… and her advice was awesome. It was all stuff I’ve heard already and stuff I know but for some reason hearing it from her made it sink in a bit more.

Why do we live our lives trying to rush from one event to another? First, we want to be sixteen, then we want twenty-one to come, then we want to get married. We keep rushing thing to thing and then wonder where all the time went. Well it was spent being rushed. She told me to slow it down. I’m entering a transition period of my life and things are going to be mixed up. Things won’t seem right but that I need to keep my thoughts on God and surround myself with people who are going to pull me up. She said that I need to get in a good church that I enjoy and agree with, she said that I need to start repairing those things in my life that seem broken and make them right and the way I want.

Things aren’t going to be easy… and to be honest sometimes suicide seems alright. I know that is a cop-out though. I know that it avoiding the problems and just making someone else deal with them and I care about a lot of people and don’t want to hurt them… and thus will never and can never take that option.

Posted on mars 21, 2005 at 11:05 PM | Permalink


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