My Pyramid

:)
1. Good Venting Post Right Here.
2. Car Situation Fix on the way.
3. Relaxing a bit now.
4. Ate pancakes.
5. Dad is home.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Amanda.
3. James.
4. The Lappy.
5. The Internet.

I'm hearing right now...
Blake Shelton - Some Beach

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

It is snowing again. For some reason I find this to be amusing for once. Normally I don’t want it to snow but today knowing that it means I am going to be stranded at home is sort of comforting.

I just don’t want to leave my house anymore. I don’t want to go out and do stuff, I almost don’t feel like hanging out with anyone anymore, hell I’m almost to the point where work doesn’t even sound appealing anymore.

A normal life. That is what I am asking for. I want to hole up for a week though first in my room and not do anything, not get out of bed, not see anyone, not talk to anyone, not do anything. Just lie in bed. No lights, nothing. Just darkness. A week to just think with myself and sleep.

Then lead a normal life. Get a regular job like everyone else, stop sitting on the computer so much because it really isn’t going to lead to anything all that great in the end, get a factory job, get married to someone who doesn’t love me if married at all and work the rest of my life until I die.

I am always so unhappy with things just as they are. I always to strive for more and sometimes we just can’t do it. Sometimes we don’t have the strength. I don’t have the strength.

I remember my therapist talking to me about Maslow’s Pyramid once and so I decided to do some research on it being the nerd that I am. I’ll get into the nitty-gritty in another post but for now the short of it is that I am climbing this pyramid and many people will always be climbing the pyramid and few will ever reach the top. Most of us keep setting new goals on ours to work for… I set my goals so high that my pyramid is almost impossible to climb at this point. One of the levels people have spoken of that is above self actualization is transcendence which is the part of the pyramid where you want to help others realize their potential and make it to the point of self actualization.

What does that have to do with me?

Well most people get to a certain point and while they have many more goals they simply stop climbing… or they do so at a much slower rate. I don’t have that point… at least I don’t foresee it yet and I haven’t hit it yet… which is good seeing as how I’m not all that old but I want more for myself… or at least I did.

I’ve just realized that I don’t want to climb the pyramid anymore. At least not today I don’t. Sure something might have blocked my path and the best thing to do would be to simply keep chugging along and push it aside and keep climbing but I have no motivation. No reason. I feel like the climb isn’t worth everything I thought it would be.

I’ve done a lot of someone of my age. More then a lot of people twice my age even so what is wrong with me just giving up right now and living my life without a whole lot of advancement?

Right now I’ve come to a stop on the third level of the pyramid. I thought for a time that I would be able to keep climbing and pass that point soon but I couldn’t. So I stepped down a level back to level two where instead of belonging and a sense of love and affection I’ve come to the point of needing safety again. I need help to feel safe. I’m still stuck between the two levels though because some of my wants are that of love and affection, that sense of belonging and that community so bad.

I don’t want to fight for it anymore though. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me but at the same time I just want to get over that part of the pyramid or rather just lie down on the part I’m at now and wait for that helping hand to lift me up and help me over it.

Where is that hand?