One Day at a Time

No Words

:)
1. Indy was a BLAST. Update soon.
2. Nothing else. Who fucking cares.

I am thankful for...
Does anyone care about this list either? I bet not.

I'm hearing right now...
Like it matters.

I'm feeling Devastated.

I wish I had words. I wish I knew how to say what it is this very moment I’m feeling. I just can’t. All I can say is it is the greatest ache I’ve ever felt in my life.

Life Transition

:)
1. Good Conversation.
2. Katie bought me a Pepsi!
3. Going to sleep well tonight I bet.
4. Work wasn't all that bad.
5. Saw old managers and met new ones.

I am thankful for...
1. Amanda.
2. Duane.
3. Karin.
4. Mark.
5. God.

I'm hearing right now...
Ozzy Osbourne - Mississippi Queen

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

Dead Tired. That is two words I can use to describe how I feel right now. Dead tired literally in that I am just drained. I feel like I’ve been worked to death and yet today I really didn’t do anything but sit around in an all day meeting. That is tiring though believe it or not. That most likely made me feel more tired then had I simply worked my ass of all day in the CPC.

I’m also dead tired of crap. Being used is one of the worst feelings that you can have. I’ve had it just about enough. So many people have used me for just long enough and I’m throwing my foot down right now to put a stop to it all.

At the same time though I am trying to repair my life. Last night I said I was hopeful. I was feeling as if I could take a new attitude on life and maybe things would get better… or at least I’d feel like they had improved. Then today happened.

I realized that everything is spiraling out of control. I have a huge ticket to pay, I have to pay for outrageous school bills, I have to pay my credit cards, I have some major bills from the hospitals and doctors I have to pay and I have court costs to pay. I realized that the things I held closest to my life and thus my heart have slipped through my fingers and I didn’t do anything to stop it from happening. I realized a lot of shitty stuff today to be honest.

Then I called Elizabeth. I didn’t get a hold of her but her mom Shelly instead. She had been wondering about me and she said that she had heard that I was having trouble with things in my life. I expected to get Elizabeth on the other end and get her advice but instead I got her mom… and her advice was awesome. It was all stuff I’ve heard already and stuff I know but for some reason hearing it from her made it sink in a bit more.

Why do we live our lives trying to rush from one event to another? First, we want to be sixteen, then we want twenty-one to come, then we want to get married. We keep rushing thing to thing and then wonder where all the time went. Well it was spent being rushed. She told me to slow it down. I’m entering a transition period of my life and things are going to be mixed up. Things won’t seem right but that I need to keep my thoughts on God and surround myself with people who are going to pull me up. She said that I need to get in a good church that I enjoy and agree with, she said that I need to start repairing those things in my life that seem broken and make them right and the way I want.

Things aren’t going to be easy… and to be honest sometimes suicide seems alright. I know that is a cop-out though. I know that it avoiding the problems and just making someone else deal with them and I care about a lot of people and don’t want to hurt them… and thus will never and can never take that option.

Improvement?

:)
1. No work today.
2. Ate sisters birthday cake.
3. Relaxing.
4. Work only called once today.
5. Got ot design done.

I am thankful for...
1. Amanda.
2. Dad.
3. Mom.
4. Jessica.
5. Air.

I'm hearing right now...
Semisonic - Closing Time

I'm feeling Hopeful.

I was living a life filled with regret but now I see hope.

Another Day Off

:)
1. Was given the day off.
2. I get to watch TiVo stuff.
3. Hooters last night.
4. Getting work... worked out.
5. New LinkedIn Stuff.

I am thankful for...
1. Duyane.
2. Larry.
3. Garrett.
4. Hooters and Panda Express.
5. Amanda.

I'm hearing right now...
Warren G - Regulate

I'm feeling Unloved.

Last night after work we went out for Hooters which was quite good because they had all you can eat hot wings for $7.99. The bad thing is I ate more then I really should have after eating Panda Express a bit before that... meaning what?!? I am quite sick today. YUCK.

Speaking of work things seem to be going alright here as of late. A few run-ins but other then that things seem alright. I have a lot of scheduled hours next week which is pretty cool because I do need the money and since Amanda is grounded I don't have a lot to do anyways.

Work next week will be interesting because I'm being left by myself and I've been given more hours then I've ever had at Staples. It oughtta be really interesting. I'm excited about the whole thing though.

That is all for now. More later... maybe. *Shruggs*

How I Feel

The song that best describes how I feel right now is 'Regret' by Blaze.

I still walk and I still breathe,
I'm not the man that I could be.
There was a hole here in my chest,
Now it's filled up with these regrets.

Is the ending written down
Before we even read the play?
And is the ending hidden there
Until we turn the final page?

If I'd learned my lesson sooner,
If I'd sorted out my head
Then I would still be with you,
And I would not have one regret...
I would not have one regret...

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

What kind of sad yesterdays
Will all of our tomorrows bring?
Will they be the yesterdays
We won't regret remembering?

If I'd learned my lesson sooner,
If I'd sorted out my head
Then I would still be with you,
And I would not have one regret...
I would not have one regret...

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

[Solo]

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

I still walk, I still breathe,
I'm not the man I could be.
The hole here, in my chest,
Is filled with all of these regrets....

The Torture

:)
1. Got the day off.
2. Feeling relaxed.
3. Had Taco Bell.
4. Getting work... worked out.
5. New LinkedIn Stuff.

I am thankful for...
1. Kyle.
2. Clarissa.
3. Jason.
4. Amanda.
5. Dad.

I'm hearing right now...
Goo Goo Dolls - Give a Little Bit

I'm feeling Unloved.

Today was fairly uneventful as most days here as of late have been. Really the days have been eventful but they've been filled with events that I'd rather not speak of and events that I wish never happened.

I've never had so many regrets as I do right now at this stage in my life. Almost everything I can think of as of late has a regret that goes right along with it. I know that everything happens for a reason and that many times I won't understand these reasons but seriously I'm just about over all of these feelings that I've been having as of late.

I just want these feelings to go away but they won't. They keep coming back. Everything keeps repeating. I want the pain to end. It won't... not right away though. I'll just keep suffering... I hope soon enough the suffering can end though I don't believe it will. I believe I'm meant to suffer for everything I've done... for all of the people I've hurt. I want to fix those things... I want to take back the things I did to hurt those people and maybe then these torture and this hell will end.

The ER

:)
1. Getting Help.
2. Slept in today.
3. Feeling slightly relaxed.
4. Had lunch.
5. I'm still alive.

I am thankful for...
1. Steve.
2. Jackie.
3. Dad.
4. Amanda.
5. Dr. Gaff

I'm hearing right now...
John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That

I'm feeling Unloved.

Last night I was taken to the emergency room at a local hospital for treatment because I had become a threat to myself. I was released in the morning today and will soon be in contact with a hospital better suited to treating me.

Where I will be going I'm not quite sure and the uncertainty causes a fear deep inside me that I can not begin to explain. Life has been rough lately and I've been unable to handle and cope with all of the problems that have been thrown at me.

To my friends I thank you for your support, love and care. You've done all that you can do and now it is time for me to chug along with my life and determine where it is I will be going next.

I have so much going on right now and so many emotions that are swirling around. No one can truly understand everything because I've never told anyone everything all that is happening. Not even the girl I love more then anyone else. She just won't understand... or she will but I can't tell her because I can't hurt her in the process.

I'm a selfish person. I only care about myself. I'll hurt others to get where I want to go. I'm an ugly person and I do things that are totally wrong by all measures.

I'm a person who is crying out for help and finally starting to get it. I'm a person with a broken heart.

Better Yet?... Nope

:)
1. Slept in.
2. Relaxed.
3. Talked on the phone.
4. Ate Subway.
5. Watching the Snow.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Dad.
3. Maggie.
4. Amanda.
5. Jessica..

I'm hearing right now...
Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm feeling Destroyed.

I was asked do I feel today the same way I felt yesterday? Do I still want to vanish?

The answer is yes.

Hell I didn’t go to work today… didn’t even call off… just didn’t go. *Shruggs*

My Pyramid

:)
1. Good Venting Post Right Here.
2. Car Situation Fix on the way.
3. Relaxing a bit now.
4. Ate pancakes.
5. Dad is home.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Amanda.
3. James.
4. The Lappy.
5. The Internet.

I'm hearing right now...
Blake Shelton - Some Beach

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

It is snowing again. For some reason I find this to be amusing for once. Normally I don’t want it to snow but today knowing that it means I am going to be stranded at home is sort of comforting.

I just don’t want to leave my house anymore. I don’t want to go out and do stuff, I almost don’t feel like hanging out with anyone anymore, hell I’m almost to the point where work doesn’t even sound appealing anymore.

A normal life. That is what I am asking for. I want to hole up for a week though first in my room and not do anything, not get out of bed, not see anyone, not talk to anyone, not do anything. Just lie in bed. No lights, nothing. Just darkness. A week to just think with myself and sleep.

Then lead a normal life. Get a regular job like everyone else, stop sitting on the computer so much because it really isn’t going to lead to anything all that great in the end, get a factory job, get married to someone who doesn’t love me if married at all and work the rest of my life until I die.

I am always so unhappy with things just as they are. I always to strive for more and sometimes we just can’t do it. Sometimes we don’t have the strength. I don’t have the strength.

I remember my therapist talking to me about Maslow’s Pyramid once and so I decided to do some research on it being the nerd that I am. I’ll get into the nitty-gritty in another post but for now the short of it is that I am climbing this pyramid and many people will always be climbing the pyramid and few will ever reach the top. Most of us keep setting new goals on ours to work for… I set my goals so high that my pyramid is almost impossible to climb at this point. One of the levels people have spoken of that is above self actualization is transcendence which is the part of the pyramid where you want to help others realize their potential and make it to the point of self actualization.

What does that have to do with me?

Well most people get to a certain point and while they have many more goals they simply stop climbing… or they do so at a much slower rate. I don’t have that point… at least I don’t foresee it yet and I haven’t hit it yet… which is good seeing as how I’m not all that old but I want more for myself… or at least I did.

I’ve just realized that I don’t want to climb the pyramid anymore. At least not today I don’t. Sure something might have blocked my path and the best thing to do would be to simply keep chugging along and push it aside and keep climbing but I have no motivation. No reason. I feel like the climb isn’t worth everything I thought it would be.

I’ve done a lot of someone of my age. More then a lot of people twice my age even so what is wrong with me just giving up right now and living my life without a whole lot of advancement?

Right now I’ve come to a stop on the third level of the pyramid. I thought for a time that I would be able to keep climbing and pass that point soon but I couldn’t. So I stepped down a level back to level two where instead of belonging and a sense of love and affection I’ve come to the point of needing safety again. I need help to feel safe. I’m still stuck between the two levels though because some of my wants are that of love and affection, that sense of belonging and that community so bad.

I don’t want to fight for it anymore though. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me but at the same time I just want to get over that part of the pyramid or rather just lie down on the part I’m at now and wait for that helping hand to lift me up and help me over it.

Where is that hand?

End It Now

:)
1. No work today.
2. Ate breakfast for lunch... or dinner or whatever.
3. Insurance company taking care of car situation.
4. Slept decently last night.
5. The Internet Works.

I am thankful for...
1. God.
2. Amanda.
3. James.
4. Ben.
5. The Lappy.

I'm hearing right now...
Ozzy Osbourne - Perry Mason

I'm feeling Heartbroken.

God... please just end my life today. -Raymond

p.s
I can be f-ing depressed for a while if I want. We all have a lapse... mine is just really bad.